Coincidences in July

 What's happening @ Casa Donneliscia:

Elder care keeps getting more complicated, and it's hard to avoid the feeling that "the wheels are coming off". On Lisa's end, her father is getting ever more forgetful, although he retains the ability to conduct a logical conversation. Her step-mom, however, is going into full-blown dementia with episodes of rage and paranoia. Though it's clear that this is typical stuff, it's no less harrowing to witness and endure. We're not sure what to do, and are reaching out to professionals to seek counsel, and find a way forward that benefits our elders and reduces our stress. 

Meanwhile, my parents, who are getting to the point where they shouldn't really be engaging in long-distance international travel, are coming to visit for a couple of weeks. We tried it the other way, literally, with us going there, but they didn't seem to enjoy that as much. The conventional wisdom is true: travel lets you set aside your daily routine for a time and connect more deeply with who you are when you're free from modern life. I'm looking forward to their visit, albeit with some trepidation. And learning every day to let go a little more of my control tendencies. 

As some of you know, we have a meditation practice, and passing familiarity with Buddhism-infused principles of mindfulness, kindness and compassion. What usually trips us up is "the second arrow." The notion comes from a parable related by the Buddha, which I'm going to reimagine for our times. 

Say you're going hunting with Dick Cheney, and he accidentally shoots you with his bow. That's the first arrow. Then you tell yourself: "I really shouldn't have gone hunting with a right-wing madman." And : "Oh I'm about to die, this is horrible." You're adding to the physical pain of what's happening to you with a whole layer of new, and unnecessary suffering. That's the second arrow. This is what we do when we seize up with fear and anxiety as our elders decline. Are they going to decline further? Why sure. Will they die eventually? Sure. will they require more care on the way? Most certainly. Those are the facts, and they can be handled with kindness and compassion. Everything else is second arrow. 

https://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/sn/sn36/sn36.006.than.html

What do we do when we've jabbed our rears with that second arrow?  We exercise some benevolent curiosity - not anger towards self, but kindness. We investigate and name what's going on.  I'm afraid. I'm anxious. I don't know what to do. We bow, and remind ourselves that we're doing what's in our power to find a way through. And if we're unkind we allow that to happen, and regroup, and notice that we were unkind. And remember that our compass and practice points us back to kindness. You get there eventually. 

To be clear, I'm not saying that anyone else needs to do any of this, or that what we do stands out in any way. I'm just sharing how we cope. Or try to. It's still hard! 

Coinkeedinks:

The word coincidence is purely descriptive, it just means two or more things that happen at the same time. Just like the second arrow, we usually add a magical layer to this simple co-happening. Surely it must "mean something." And it some ways, it might. Let's unpack a marvelous coincidence I just experienced. I was watching a Korean soap opera on Netflix called "My 19th Life." I like Korean shows. Like the Korean people, Korean shows are hard-working. You get a whole hour of content, not just 40 minutes + commercials. A minimum of 12 episodes per season, and usually 23, not this measly 6 or 8 that Hollywood has gotten us trained to be OK with. The actors give it their all, they don't hold back on their performances. And the writing, while a little convoluted, is never lazy. This show is suitably maudlin, and I may not stick with it, but imagine my surprise when in the middle of episode 5 or 6 I hear a French song. French? The Koreans NEVER use foreign material, either for copyright or nationalistic reasons. 

The song was called "l'Amour, les Baguettes, Paris" (No need for translation, methinks).  I looked it up, and unsurprisingly, it's done by a Korean artist, Stella Jang (not her real name). More surprisingly, she co-wrote the lyrics, which told me she was fluent in French. I dig deeper and discover that she lived in French for years as a child and teen and ... went to the same school I did in Paris. 

What are the odds? Aaaah, that tingly feeling ...

This is where the temptation of "meaning" materializes. I was "meant" to hear this song, maybe have an artistic epiphany, or realize that my love of Korean soap opera is not just a waste of brain cells, yadda yadda. 

But the true meaning of this coincidence, is sociological. My school was for star students from the suburbs (that's my category), or for gifted students from the city itself, and that was Stella. What that tells us is that she was from a well-to-do expat Korean family with the means to get her the best education available in France, and in the most expensive location in France. Similarly, my Jewish middle-class parents had a huge emphasis on education and wanted the best for me. And that's how Stella and I ended up with parallel tracks. 

Socio-economics in action. They're a very powerful force that cuts through billions of people and brings together a small cadre, even in a very populated world. We're unaware of them for the most part, but we are actually very sensitive to norms and that spidey sense of whether we "belong". Belonging is just another way of recognizing similar values and class attributes.  

It still felt magical, and the song could be a French classic. Have a listen: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XtYGk-kvWP0

Even if you're not into sappy music, you can't not love this. 

 

Some art:

Lisa is having a ball with her abstract loop series: 

She's been pondering organic shapes for years, and how various washes and media can bring out their strangeness and sensuousness. 

On my end I completed the cover art for my current story, Lucy On the Vine in the Evening. 

That's all folks! Sending you love, wherever you are. L + L